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Why is there an apparent discrepancy between an attorney’s ability to be a glib wordsmith in the office, and at a true loss for words during an informal part of a meeting or at a bar function? Perhaps it is because in their work lives attorneys typically have a clear role to play, and rely heavily on their knowledge and expertise. In social settings the agenda is much more unclear.

How to Engage

The first key to small talk isn’t about talking at all. Body language is the first indication to anyone that we may approach or someone who approaches us that we will be open, receptive, and non-critical. So when you know that you will be in a meet and greet situation, the first thing you want to do is to check your body language. Avoid crossing your arms, having a closed body stance, or maintaining “game face”. A smile, a nod, and a handshake is much more likely to be welcoming and encourage others to engage with you.

The second suggestion is to not make any assumptions about your audience. Even though you remember having met someone in the past, often people have difficulty remembering names, and find it more difficult out of context. Just because you sat across the table from someone at a contentious deposition doesn’t necessarily mean they will remember your name six months later at a social event. Never be afraid to re-introduce yourself. And if you remember the last context in which you and this person met, it’s helpful to remind them. You’ll get bonus points for graciousness.

Keys to Meeting Success

Another important arena where small talk is helpful is at meetings. Most attorneys are involved in industry groups, not for profit organizations, or bar committees. If you are running the meeting, there is much you can do to put others at ease, and if you are a member of a group you can also add to the positive informal part of the process.

When you get to a meeting, make sure to introduce yourself to everyone there. Give your first name and last, and make sure you get the names of the other people in attendance. Asking people to repeat their names, or their first names, gives you a better opportunity to remember them. Job titles and organizations are important too, but remembering names is critical to your ability to connect. Often meetings are accompanied by a lunch or some other time period that may include small talk. This is a good opportunity for you to learn more about what the other people in the group do for a living or do in their spare time.

When the formal part of the meeting starts, if you are the chair of the group, make sure that everyone is introduced, gives their organization name, and states their role with the group. Unless you meet regularly and sometimes even if you do, some people don’t make all of the sessions, and new people will join the group, often without knowing anyone. It takes just a few minutes, but it is likely to put everyone more at ease. And it will help new people become connected to your group more quickly.

If you are running a meeting you will also receive kudos from those in attendance if you have an agenda and a time frame, and stick to it. Give everyone a few minutes to look through the agenda and include all of the players involved in different aspects. Better yet, send the agenda out in advance and line up the people who will be presenting. When you are operating outside of your office at a not for profit organization or a bar meeting you can gain a great reputation for efficiency and organization is you run a meeting well. Know that small talk is important before and after a meeting, and that during the meeting everyone wants to complete the business at hand as quickly as possible.

During an Interview

One of the reasons that I encourage people to add an interest section to their resume is to facilitate topics for small talk during job interviews. If you are the interviewee, you can assume there will be some amount of small talk at the start of an interview. It’s your chance to try and “humanize” your candidacy and make a connection with the interviewer. If and when an employer brings up something regarding an interest outside of work, do not assume it isn’t part of the interview. It is, and it’s important to respond with both knowledge and enthusiasm about a potentially shared interest. Don’t shy away from an opportunity to talk about interests as long as you maintain focus on job related duties as well. Employers are interested in knowing what kind of person they are going to be potentially spending many hours with on a day-to-day basis.

Preparing for Small Talk

In many ways, small talk isn’t valued as an important part of our day-to-day activities. Our primary focus is primarily on completing projects, billable hours, and other “bottom line” activities. But small talk is the process by which we get to “big talk.” Potential clients are not likely to refer their work to people they do not know and trust. Relationships are forged slowly over time, not at one sitting, and the key to relationship development is finding ways to connect to others – often through what we consider to be small talk.

If you know that you are going to be in a situation that will require “meet and greet” skills, preparation can be key to your success. Take an extra ten or fifteen minutes before you head to the meeting/party/event, to find some things to discuss. Look through the local newspaper or go on line to find some up to date news. Think about the things you have been working on for the last few months so you can talk with someone about your work. What have you been doing in your spare time? Any vacation plans upcoming? These are all topic areas for light discussion.

But more importantly, you want to think about what you can ask to connect with someone else. “Hi, what’s new”, can seem pretty jaded and leave the other person searching their internal calendar to remember what they have been doing. But a more pointed question that says, “update me on your work/or life since we last talked”, or “do you have any plans for the holidays/vacation, etc?” can give the person you’re talking to a better handle on how to get small talk started. In the same vein, if someone approaches you with the not so original “What’s new?” question, have something prepared. This is your chance to engage in an interesting anecdote, relay a piece of positive news about your work, or update someone on your latest trip or family activity.

What you’re often looking for is commonality, or common ground. People like to do business with people they know, like, and trust. While you can’t build a trusting relationship in one evening, and it can be inappropriate to share a great deal of personal information with people that you do not know well, much of the small talk process is about finding areas of mutual interest, or topics of interest with which you can connect to more important issues with people that you are beginning to know.

Debra Fine is the author of The Fine Art of Small Talk and was interviewed in the November 2004 edition of Fast Company magazine. Debra is an engineer by training, a profession not noted for this skill. In fact, she notes that she was hiding during networking events because she was so uncomfortable making small talk. But she also believed that her inability to function in these informal conversational settings was inhibiting her chances of promotion, and she finally decided that it was something she simply had to do. Now she believes that small talk, “is the appetizer for all relationships”. Ironically, knowing that other people are uncomfortable in these settings can help you be more comfortable. Debra believes that a good conversationalist assumes the burden of other people’s comfort. For example, if you forget a name, apologize and ask again. You can read more about Debra and see some of her articles on her Web site www.debrafine.com.

Not only do you have to learn about how to make small talk, you also need to know about how to exit a conversation and head to another. When you are at a networking event, both you and the person with whom you are engaged probably need to meet and talk to a number of people. When you feel the conversation reaching a logical pause, it’s quite okay to say to someone, “I’ve enjoyed talking to you, but I don’t want to monopolize all of your time,” and move on to meeting someone new. If you want to pursue this conversation further, exchange business cards, and make a note on the card to yourself about how you want to follow up.

Often when you talk to friends or family about how they met with success, found a new position, or even met their spouse, they will often say, “it’s the strangest thing, or you could never guess.” Then they will proceed to tell you about how a seemingly idle conversation in an illogical place led them to a client, their position, or even their family. So when you’re out and about this season, remember that small talk can lead to big things.

Wendy Werner is the owner and principal of Werner Associates, a law firm consulting and career coaching organization. She can be reached at www.wendywerner.com/associates.

Originally printed by The Bar Association of Metropolitan St. Louis in “Saint Louis Lawyer”.